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How to Find Love

by Captain Obvious

So you want to find love? If you haven't found it yet, there is probably a reason, and to find out what that reason is you will have to look inward at yourself. Can't get a date? I hate to tell you this, but there is probably something wrong with you. Can't keep a partner? You're probably not a very good lover. Or maybe you're always choosing the wrong person? You're probably going to have to change the way you pick your mates. Our job is to figure out what you're doing wrong, and fix it.

It's your fault, and this is great news!
Because that means there is something YOU can do to fix it!

I know you don't want to hear that it's your fault, but let me put it another way ยป what is more likely to change, the rest of the world or you?

You see my point? The ONLY way you're going to get different results is by doing something different! That being said, there are three possible reasons you can't find love:

  • You aren't attractive enough (either physically or emotionally)
  • You're a bad lover
  • You're not looking correctly
Following is a list of things you can do to change each of these three issues.

1. Increase your Physical Attractiveness

Attractive means attractive in all areas of your life including both your physical attractiveness and your character.

To find love you must learn how to attract love. Your future true love, like you, hopes to get the best and most attractive person they can. So one of the things you can do to find love is to make yourself more attractive. This isn't about becoming a different person, it's about becoming a better version of yourself.

You may not want to believe this but your physical appearance tells other people a lot about you. Some of what it tells a person is in your genes such as the shape of your face and your height. However, almost everything else about the way you look sends powerful messages not about how you were born but about who you choose to be.
What your body type says about your self respect
Your body type tells others whether or not you live a healthy lifestyle and more importantly it tells others how much you care about yourself. If you're overweight it sends the message that you don't care about your own life, and if you don't care about your own life why should someone else? Think about getting a gym membership and committing to a life of healthy living.
What your clothes and hair say about your personality
Believe it or not your dress and hair tells others both about your personal life and personality. If you dress in all black and wear a nose ring, it tells people what kind of friends you have and even what your likely annual income is. So what message are you sending? You may want to think about a little image makeover.
What your personal hygiene says about how much you care
Personal hygiene, like your body type tells others how much you care about yourself, and it also tells them how much you will care about them if they were to get into a relationship. Here are some tips. Brush your teeth twice a day, and floss once a day. Go to the dentist once every 6 months. Shower once a day and wash your hair at least every other day if not every day. Never wear the same clothes two days in a row.

Take some time to groom yourself. Pluck some hairs, comb other hairs. A well groomed individual stands out because they have shown them self as someone who is able to manage their lives effectively.

2. Increase your Emotional Attractiveness

Assuming the person has gotten past your looks and is now actually talking to you, it's now up to your personality to help you find love. Regardless of how you look everyone is usually looking for a few key things when they are evaluating your personality
Treat others with kindness
Everyone likes to be treated with respect and friendliness. Everyone wants to find love with someone who treats others with kindness. Here is a simple rule, be nice to everyone all the time unless they are being exceptionally rude, then stand up for yourself without being rude back.
Portray confidence
Confident people are attractive. If you're always putting yourself down or questioning your own abilities then you are not a confident person. In order to increase your confidence, try replacing negative or self deprecating thoughts and words with positive ones. It may take a while to correct your negative tendencies, but it can be done.
Carry yourself with dignity
Another aspect of your personality is how you carry yourself. Do you stand up straight? Do you smile when you meet people and look them in the eye? Do you find it easy to talk to other people or are you afraid of other people? Many people claim to be self confident, but how they carry them self tells a totally different story.

3. Be a Better Lover

Do you often get jealous? Do you try to control everything? Do you always put your own needs and wants above those of your partner? If you seem to be able to get into relationships but you always quickly fall out of them then attractiveness may not be your problem, you may just be a bad lover.

To find love you will need to become a good lover and to do that you're going to have to reevaluate how you behave when you're in a relationship.
Are you a jealous control freak?
I used to be a jealous and controlling lover. I would get mad at my girlfriend even for watching TV shows which I didn't want her to watch. Then one day I realized she wasn't the problem, I was.

The more tightly you squeeze a relationship,
the more quickly it will slip through your fingers.

A jealous or controlling partner is someone who considers their own needs and feelings but does not consider those of their lover. If you feel the need to control someone else's life it's probably because you are unable to control your own, or that you have a fear of being inadequate. Not only will your lover resent being controlled, but they will also see your feelings of inadequacy and lose their attraction for you.
Are you meeting your partner's needs?
Whenever we enter into a relationship we expect them to fulfill certain needs which we can't fulfill for ourselves. The need for companionship, partnership and sex are a few that come to mind. Not meeting your partners' needs is a sure way to end up with a bad relationship.

If you don't meet your partner's needs
they will either dump you, cheat on you,
or they'll be constantly depressed and upset with you.

Of course none of the three make for very good long-term relationships so meeting your partners needs is something you should consider vital to finding love. You should try to decide early on what their needs are and if you're willing to fulfill them. If not then it's time to move on.

If you do decide to go ahead with the relationship then consider this the work you have to do to keep the relationship going. As with any job you can approach it with fun and enthusiasm or you can spend your life complaining about it. I would suggest the former.

4. Look For Love

Some people look in all the wrong places. Some people look for the wrong type of people. Other people don't even look at all, they expect love to find them. The best way to find love is to look - to look in the right place, and to look for the right type of person.
Who to Look For
I advise looking for a person who has the following qualities.

  • They're a good person - this means they are not prone to lying, cheating or stealing. If you notice them doing these things in other aspects of their life then there is a good chance they'll do it to you.
  • They're nice to other people - this means they generally treat people well. They don't yell at waiters or talk trash about all of their co-workers. How they treat other people now is a good predictor of how they'll treat you in the long run.
  • They take good care of themselves - Someone who takes care of themselves is someone who will probably be more likely to take care of you.

Where to Look
Some of you aren't even looking to find love at all. You expect your perfect mate to just magically appear one day on your doorstep. For you looking anywhere is better than nowhere. Here are some great places to look. If you are going to go to specific places to find love I suggest places where you'll see the same people over and over, this way you'll get a chance to know someone a little bit before the subject of dating comes up.

  • Friends and Family - This is usually the best place to meet people, simply because you're being vouched for. By knowing someone who knows someone, you can be presented in a good light right from the get go. I suggest letting your friends and family know you're looking. Most people know at least a few single friends that they're looking to hook up.
  • Gyms, Social Clubs - Gyms and other social clubs (like dance studios) are a great way to meet new people. You get to see them over and over again. Just make sure you know that the person is interested before popping the question "will you go out with me'.
  • Internet Dating - There are a few negatives about internet dating, such as the person almost never looks as good as their picture, you don't know anyone who knows them, and you'll have to tell people you met on the internet. Besides these negatives there are just so many people online trying to find a date that many times it's worth it, especially if you don't have other options. Don't be afraid, there are millions of people just like you and the internet is a great tool for meeting them.
  • Out and About - You might meet someone on the train or at your local coffee shop - at least I've seen it happen in movies. I suggest going to the same place many times in order to become familiar with people there. Make friends, say hi to people. Then when you approach the person you're interested in they won't be shocked when you say hi to them.

5. Stay in Love

There are two kinds of love, the first is the kind you feel when you first meet someone or first start dating and it's called "infatuation'. The second is what I call "true love' and is the basis for long lasting loving relationships.
Infatuation is characterized by the familiar "butterflies in my stomach' feeling. It's a feeling of not being able to be away from this person. Infatuation is the feeling that you've finally found what you've been looking for, a person to answer all your expectations, hopes and dreams. Of course this is an unrealistic expectation to put upon another person, and many people are disappointed when their object of infatuation inevitably turns out to not be able to magically transform them from an unhappy person to a happy person.

Infatuation is accompanied by a wonderful and almost euphoric feeling when you're with them. When you're away from them, you're either totally happy and excited for the next time you're going to see them or you're completely down in the dumps if for whatever reason you're unable to see them.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) infatuation doesn't last forever. Eventually you come back to your baseline level of happiness and if you're still together hopefully you both advance into the "true love' stage.
True Love
True love is what you should be looking for in your quest to find love. True love means loving everything about someone including their flaws. It's loving the way they mispronounce words, how they always lose at scrabble, how their belly sometimes pops out over their belt, and how their hair is way too frizzy.

True love is the ability to not only love a person despite their flaws but to love the flaws themselves.

It's the ability to look at a person and say to them "I love you exactly as you are right now"

Your true love in life is a person just like you, with hopes, dreams expectations and many, many flaws. They probably will challenge you and frustrate you at times. Yet at the end of your life, when you look back on everything you've done, you might just find that those few moments of true and perfect lovingness expressed to another human being were the best moments of your life.